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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that counseling might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even processing later can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This journey will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.