Late-Night Hosts Lampoon Trump's Controversial 'Gold Card' Residency Scheme

TV's leading entertainers devoted the evening mocking ex-President Donald Trump's just unveiled immigration initiative, called the "gold card," portraying it as a blatant cash-for-residency scheme for the wealthy.

Colbert's Pointed Analysis

Opening his program, Stephen Colbert delivered a satirical Christmas song about the commander-in-chief. "He is compiling a list, reviewing it twice, then handing that list to the agents at ICE," he crooned. "The President ... spoils all he touches."

The focus was the controversial plan which allows international individuals to acquire U.S. residency for a sum of $1 million dollars, with a "platinum" tier for $5 million. An official portal promises approval "in record time."

"A brief note here to rich applicants: prior to you pay, have you considered Canada?" Colbert joked.

He pointed out that the scheme is also intended to "extract cash" from companies wanting to hire skilled workers, with large payments. "That's a lot of fees, but if you register, you additionally get free accommodation at a hotel of your choosing – as long as it's the a specific Marriott," he continued.

"The best screening the U.S. government has ever done," stated Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to verify these people absolutely meet the standard to be in America."

"That is important, you gotta prove you're fit to be an American," Colbert responded. "First question: how many hamburgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Scathing Commentary

On his own program, Jimmy Kimmel dubbed the initiative the "U.S. Access Express Card."

"Here's a card that will allow rich overseas citizens to live here," he said. "In exchange for a million dollars, you get official resident status, you get a road to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one serious crime of your choice."

"It might be time to update that message on the Statue of Liberty – never mind your poor masses. Pay a million bucks, you're in!" he joked.

Kimmel mocked the simplicity of the application, noting it is "more difficult to start a Wordle account." He remarked that Trump "sees citizenship is something you can sell, like a timeshare."

"Exactly, the finest people are the rich people," Kimmel said. "That's what Jesus always said! It's in the Bible. He says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you offer the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers covering Affordability Concerns

Elsewhere, Seth Meyers focused on Trump's slipping approval ratings amid financial concerns. "The public gave Donald Trump a another term because they were upset about the economy," he noted.

This week, in a bid to address cost of living, Trump conducted a briefing in front of a display of grocery items, and behaved oddly to boxes of cereal.

"Lovely packaging, I think I'm going to take a few of them with me to my cottage and have a lot of fun," Trump remarked. "Such as the Cheerios, I haven't seen Cheerios in a long time."

"He's so fucking weird," Meyers said. "Like, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What exactly happens with those Cheerios?"

Meyers finished by mocking right-leaning news coverage of Trump's economic record. "Maybe instead of complaining, you should give him a sparkling trophy similar to what FIFA did," he joked.